Tag Archives: school

A Change Is Gonna Come

This is really difficult to write, but I’ve promised transparency about my health or school or mental health, etc. So here goes.

I took my final on Monday. I passed; however, I needed an extra five points to make up for what I missed on my midterm. Before my midterm, I was going through withdrawals from a psychiatric medication for my Bipolar 2 disorder, and had horrible symptoms. Deep depression and feeling so sick, I got a COVID test. It put me behind three weeks with school content. Once this all passed, I worked my ass off to study and get caught up.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough, and I missed passing by 5 points, which meant I needed to make up those points on my final, which did not happen. So I am out of the nursing program. I can not challenge it.

Yes, I can retake the class next year—but- I’d have to pay out of pocket (the last term was nearly $5000) and take the courses before it to keep the clinical skills fresh.

More importantly, there’s also something else I noticed. My retention has taken a nosedive. I had seen it over the past several months. There were things that Pat told me that I didn’t remember him telling me. For example, a friend sitting at my table looked at me funny when I asked her a question about something, and she said I was the one who taught her a funny new pneumonic to remember the concept. I didn’t remember any of that. That happened a few times.

My brain is not retaining as it should. After my stroke, I did not have these issues of this severity during the first year of nursing school. This all started after the swelling brain issue I had last year called PRES. Posterior Reversible Encephalopathy Syndrome. There isn’t much information about it, and I honestly don’t know if that’s what the cause is. But I do know it’s been a very significant issue with studying.

To say I’m devastated is an understatement. I’ve never worked harder for anything in my entire life. So for the next couple of weeks, I plan to rest my brain, maybe visit with family, and regroup. Then think about the next steps. I still want to work with hospice patients, so a Death Doula (aka Death Midwife) program is where I’m looking next.

For now, it stings too deeply to go any further with that. Even looking at my nursing stuff on our table hurts. But I’ll get past this. My amazing hubby reminded me that I am not this exam. I am not this grade. My dad reminded me of how far I got with a brain injury and all my managed mental health issues.

As much as it hurts- hurts- I can’t change it. So, I’m going to figure out where I’ll go next.

Perspective

There’s an intense moment in Grey’s Anatomy (shocking, I know…) when Derek Shepherd says, “Perspective. I can not get perspective.” Today I did.

Our first exam in nursing school; a midterm. Mind you, up to this point we had all strived to get A’s. All A’s. Every exam, every paper, every class. No pressure. There was pressure, but not like the pressure of nursing school. It’s not about memorizing, it’s about learning and concepts. Everything we learn now provides a basis for all the things we learn moving forward.

Since my stroke last year, I’ve struggled with focus and keeping my brain “still”. Instead, thoughts dance and bounce around my head like a flea. There one minute, gone the next. Oh wait- there it is again. Remember- what contact precautions are. Did you answer that last one correctly? It’s a non-stop dance party and I can’t turn the music off. Once I completed the exam, I hit submit and waited for my grade to appear. A “C”. Hmm. First C in years. Not gonna lie- I honestly stopped for a second and then thought, OK I passed but felt a bit deflated.

Living with frequent headaches and chronic pain is also exhausting. Over the past two decades, the pain has been in the background for me. If you’ve ever seen the Handmaids Tale, you’re familiar with the constant flow of static talking on the radios the Eyes carry around. It’s always there and never goes away. That’s chronic pain. Like a constant flow of background static; distracting, annoying, and exhausting. Pain meds are not an option unless you want a sleepy nurse caring for you although I’m sure my exams would be pretty interesting.

Where am I going with all of this? None of it is for pity or a sob story. I’m sharing it because I’m now saying, “I passed! “In a good way. My first nursing school exam and first exam since my brain busted. Today was a test drive and if I were to write about it like Car and Driver, I’d say it performed like a Prius. A bit on the slow side, but got me where I needed to go. I’ll take it. Although I’d love to eventually upgrade to a Tesla.. Too much?

Armed with a list of changes and having regrouped a bit today, I’m ready for whatever comes next. For my midterm, I tried putting some music on in the background and it really helped. This will be a routine from now on. As will trying new ways of adapting. I will say- I’m quite lucky in many respects but having a spouse that constantly supports me is priceless. I don’t write this for brownie points or to be sappy. He’s legit. Being a partner to someone in nursing school is not easy and at times, not enjoyable. The constant stress and unending random study hours have not stopped him from being my biggest cheerleader. He’s made coffee runs for me, cleaned house, makes me laugh. He’s the calm to my crazy. I’ll stop gushing at the risk of making anyone throw up. But I had to put it out there.

Next week is our first pharmacology exam- our midterm. Yeah, I’m scared. There are so many medications to know that it makes my head spin like Beetlejuice. But since my goal is to not kill anyone, it’s sorta necessary to know this stuff. I’m up for the wild ride and all the adventures of learning that come with it.

As Ferris would say, “Life moves fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Be like Ferris.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off' Is All the WFH Style Inspiration You Need Right Now

Coming Up For Air

That’s what it feels like. I’m surrounded by a sea of flashcards, notebooks, and mass quantities of information. My math and micro test loom like sharks circling while I hold my fear in so they can’t smell it.

The past two weeks look like a tornado unexpectedly tore through my life. CNA 2 class ended which means I have my evenings back. However, I’ve since been playing catch up with micro and math, studying non-stop until the wee hours of the morning. It has not been easy. I’m tired. Really tired. The kind of tired where I’m mentally exhausted as though my brain has been in sprint mode. Microbiology is interesting, to say the least. We’re learning all about bacteria and viruses. I’m no germaphobe but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me think twice about touching a public doorknob. Our bodies are amazing machines in that we can fight off all the harmful things both inside and out of it. Seeing E. coli under a microscope was fascinating and disturbing all at the same time.

I can’t say I’m thrilled with our instructors. Our micro professor, while funny, is a hot mess. His lectures are scattered, his notes totally and utterly disorganized. It’s as though the Tazmanian Devil has been running the class. He doesn’t like technology and it shows when he pulls out an overhead projector that looks like it’s been around since 1985. He doesn’t allow us to video record his lectures, only audio. While this may seem harmless, it’s challenging when the guy mumbles most of what he says, skips around, and uses a lot of visuals. When students volunteer an answer to a question he asks in review, 99% of his response is, “Yeah, I wouldn’t accept that on the exam” or “That has nothing to do with it” (when it comes out of his notes). Labs are hurried and lack much direction.

Our math instructor is super particular. Even that is an understatement. I definitely lost the instructor lottery this term. But that’s how it goes sometimes. This term has been about adjustment. It’s been completely and utterly out of my comfort zone. What worked to study previously did not work for micro so I’ve had to pivot and redirect my focus and study methods several times to be more efficient in taking in the high volume of information in a short period of time. Inside my head, I want to scream. I miss the warm, fuzzy AP study zone where I had a routine. In hindsight this will be a good lesson. The nursing program is fast and furious. It requires being self driven and the ability to flex. I have to have this skillset or I’ll sink.

In less than a month I’ll start working two days a week and will again have to readjust. As much as I hate it, I also appreciate that I have the time to test run new study techniques between now and the fall when the program would begin. I’m grateful to have such an awesome study group- who works hard but knows when to laugh and when we’ve “hit our wall” after hours of studying. Study group has been crucial to my success in my previous classes and I don’t see that changing any time soon. We bounce ideas off one another. We use A LOT of humor to come up with creative ways to remember terms and concepts. It’s a wild ride, but being on it with such fun, driven people sure makes it better!

Time to dive deep again. See you when I surface in a week.

Giving Thanks

In just a couple of days, it will be Thanksgiving. While some will be working or opt not to celebrate, most will be gathering among family and or friends to stuff their bellies and carry on traditions.

Something that is often overlooked on this day is the patients. The ones who are in the hospital for whatever reason, and unable to join in the festivities. I was one of those patients eight years ago. Plagued with severe nausea, unable to eat, and just having had my gallbladder removed that day, it was lonely. My husband stayed with me for a large portion of the day for which I’m grateful, and some family came in to visit, but for the remainder of the day, the silence wafted through my room like the smell of turkey cooking in the oven. I was in and out of consciousness from the anesthesia that usually wrecks my body, but acutely aware of the quiet. It was unfamiliar given that our family celebrates holidays with a “go big or go home” approach. Lots of people, laughing and enjoying time with one another.

When you’re in the hospital on a holiday, you stare out the window, listen to the bits and pieces of conversation that make their way into your headspace as people walk by. The beeping alarms and medicinal smell permeate everything.  Life keeps going on without you. I had a window view and could see the cars full of people coming and going. It’s a strange experience but certainly gives me a much deeper appreciation for those that can’t be with family and are confined to the sterile box that is their room.

As I make my way toward a nursing career, I know there will be holidays where I’m at work but am fully aware that I will have the option to leave and be with loved ones after. I know there will be patients who like me, will be in their rooms wishing they could see and hear what has come to be familiar to them over many years versus undergoing treatment, surgeries, or perhaps even dying. Today I give thanks that I have this appreciation and will go to great lengths on those holidays to bring a bit of extra light to my shift.

Have a wonderful holiday!

 

Death and Birth

My grandfather recently passed away. He was 97 so lived a full life. He was completely lucid and sharp as a tack up until the last couple of weeks of his life. It got me thinking about death. My family talks about death quite a bit. My dad has heart failure and has passed the age where a transplant would be a viable option. My husband and I were with his mother in her final hours as she succumbed to cancer, diagnosed only six months earlier. Today I spoke with a woman that runs the Noone Dies Alone program at PeaceHealth. It’s a wonderful program where volunteers sign up to be called to be present as a person dies, should they have no family or friends to be with them.

Death is not something that’s talked about as openly as birth. With birth we are surrounded by family, often have multiple people in the room as a new life emerges into this world. Phone calls and videos are quickly distributed. With death, it’s much more…”quiet”. In other cultures, it’s celebrated, people openly mourne, there are traditions and customs around it. For some reason, to a certain extent, it feels as though the topic almost taboo in the United States. We use words such as “passed on”. We whisper about it,

While physically it’s a fascinating process to see how the body begins to slow and prepare to end, holistically the needs of the dying vary greatly. Some wish to have silence, some desire song or prayer. Some go quietly while others call out for those they lost many years prior. It should be just as important, a momentous event in our lives as it is with birth. I do acknowledge the pain and emotion that accompany loss that brings about the hesitance to talk openly about it. Everyone handles loss differently. There are situations where perhaps that life should not or can’t be celebrated. Outside of those scenarios, we should share the stories that brought us joy. People (unless they wish to be) should not have to be alone as they leave this world. Their wishes should be known and talked about before they reach this point. It’s been an active topic for our family and while I realize this may not be the norm, we shouldn’t shy away from it.

 

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I’m exhausted. Just finished some studying for a psych (Lifespan Development) exam I have this coming week. After 3.5 hours I’m done. My brain doesn’t have anything left to give or take at this point.

Brief update on my job- it’s going fine. The learning curve is steep. There is definitely a “hazing” period. Without a doubt.  There’s also a lot of, “just do it” and “here ya go’s”. I know it comes with the territory and expected it. Sometimes it sucks. No way around it. I’m not bitching, but rather being honest about it.

Last night I had to give my first suppository. That was… interesting. The nurse handed it to the person I was shadowing and she handed it to me and said: “here ya go” and laughed. Mind you I had never given one before but was happy to do it. Not that it’s fun but it’s an actual medical sort of thing I get to do aside from changing briefs and showering people. I had a couple of crucial questions and after some prodding, got answers. Thankfully a friend today (also an LPN) gave me a couple of helpful tips for next time. Have I said how grateful I am for my friends/ study group? They are amazing.

Everything went well. It was quick and the patient didn’t wince or utter anything indicating they were uncomfortable. Charting took a long time because I’m still getting to know the patients and the hang of how to document it in the system. It’s all electronic and sort of walks you through everything that needs to be tracked; how much they ate, drank, toileting, mobility, skin condition, pain etc.  I started at 2:00 PM and was home around almost midnight. This is about the time I wish we didn’t have stairs.

My first math exam of the term went well. I got a high B but still have a 96% in the class. No complaints there. I have a math project to do tomorrow which is why I was up tonight doing my psych studying. I wanted it out of the way to focus my time on that and have a chance to get out and go for a walk tomorrow.

Today I got to get out for a bit with my hubby and for a brief time, got to see a wonderful friend who was in town for work. We enjoyed time outside, had some coffee, and soaked up the sunshine and cool air before I needed to get home and resume studying.  I needed that. She’s from the Seattle area and the more we talked about the city, the more excited I get about the prospect of living up there. Being in school full time is exciting. I would not trade it for anything because I know that at the end of it all I’ll be in a career I love. But – there is a but- sometimes it sucks because I don’t have time to see everyone or have much downtime. The only “downtime” is during a break. So having moments to remind me of the pot of gold at the end of all of this, feels great.

For now, I’m heading to bed. I can’t keep my eye’s open any longer without the use of toothpicks. Nobody wants to see that. Plus, ouch.

BP, Basins, and Bedpans Oh My!

You’re not truly friends until you’ve placed a bedpan under your study partner or faked the perineal care skillset with them. toiletWe had a few laughs, especially when we realized just how off we were with the placement of said bedpan. Let’s just say it’s a good thing we made that discovery in the classroom.
This is the second week of CNA class and so far it’s going well. We all definitely have a sense of humor and that’s a good thing. In just a matter of weeks, we will be performing the skills we’re walking through in class, in front of a state instructor and with a stand-in actor. This means when we place the pair of sweatpants from 1983 on with a plaid button up shirt, there will be no giggling or making Steve Urkel references. I defintly can’t put my hands in the air and say wee as the hospital bed raises to waist height.
Blood pressures were interesting today. The instructor will have us use a stethoscope with two sets of ear pieces so she can guage whether or not we are accurate in our readings. No pressure there. Badumbum. OK, that was cheesy. bpguageIn all seriousness even though I feel pretty good about this so far, today I didn’t slowly release the valve on the BP cuff at the end to make sure the beat I heard was truly the last one. This is where practicing in class is so helpful. I’d rather make a mistake now and learn from it than do it in front of a tester. Today I walked through an entire oral care process, getting all the steps correct but forgetting that when you’re dealing with mucous membranes (in the mouth) you need to don gloves. Won’t be making that error again. My 100% would have been a big, fat, steaming pile of zero.
Next week we start clinicals so we’ll be performing these tasks on real people. My friend and I (and the others in our small class) do laugh a lot to ease the stress but we also work hard and correct each other out if we see something missed.  Developing good habits now means not breaking bad one’s later. None of us wore a bedpan as a hat today so there’s that. We have a way to go but I’m pretty proud of how far the 10 of us have come in just a little over a week.

Trapper Keeper vs Pee Chee

Can one have enough school supplies? Asking for a friend.
Buying a new binder or set of pens at some point became something that’s fun. #adulting.  Since keeping organized is super important, my collection of colored pens, tabs, sticky post-its, and highlighters has grown to Imelda Marcos proportions. The solution? Fun places to keep all of this stuff. My most recent acquisitions are from Amazon. pen bags small I can throw them in my backpack (aka the abyss) and get to them easily. The cheekier the better, hence the unicorn bag. Unicorns-amirite?! A study group friend was kind enough to get us all notecards cases, which ridiculously enough I had no idea this was even a thing. I now have three. Two for completed flashcards (I can flashcard like no other) and one for blanks. No more plastic baggies! Yay! Hey no judgment, it’s the little things!
Colored pencils, my trusty whiteboard, and Anatomy flashcard set all sit on display in a very special place; our dining room table. I just can’t study at a desk. Not enough room and I refuse to sit against a wall. I need to be able to move, stretch out, and have a window nearby. If I need something to eat or drink, it’s at an arms reach. Plus- all this stuff takes up space. I’d need three desks the size of a Costco food shelf just to sprawl out with all of my books, laptop, lecture notes etc. around me.
I think the stores and Amazon are onto our love of these things though as my friends also like this sort of thing to a certain extent. Now there are coloring books for physiology to help you learn, pre-made flashcard sets with everything labeled and numbered. There are laminated cards on key rings. It’s endless. Remember Trapper Keepers?trapper keepr I blame them. They started this whole mess! You used to get these hideous looking Pee Chee folderspee chee with some absurd graphic of men wearing shorts that are borderline Daisy Dukes and a woman who I assume should be a cheerleader but looks like she’s using a feather duster. Then came Trapper Keeper with their colored folder and fun pop culture themed binders with the velcro closure. Getting one of those felt like Christmas morning. Pen cases with the retractable lid morphed into fun pouches and ballpoint pens to gel pens in a bazillion (that’s a number, trust me) colors.
Amazon is my trusty go to for a lot of this stuff for convenience but also for cost. The only problem is that now I see suggested items in my feed such as cute vintage looking chicken wire storage baskets or the Littmann stethoscope I’ve been eying, constantly popping up. Not cool to keep luring me in Amazon! Just slow your role!
………… Those baskets could effectively hold my pen collection..
 

Hospital Stays

I’d like to know who designed those? I mean who sat around a table and discussed the pros of your backside flapping in the wind as you walk down a hall? Don’t even try to turn over in a bed in one of those things or you’ll dislocated an arm.
In a day when patient privacy is front and center, it boggles my mind that these haven’t changed much. I’ve had quite a few hospital stays; more than I care to count. One nurse kindly suggested I put an extra one on backward as a “robe” so I wouldn’t be exposed. I get needing to have access during procedures or room checks, but come on. We can put a man on the moon but we still have “moon” everyone as we walk by them?
Hospital toothbrushes. Let’s discuss those. For the cost you pay for an overnight stay you’d think you’d at least get one with more than a few bristles on it. Staying in a sterile room with the constant buzzing and ringing of alarms and whooshes of the machines makes for a pretty invasive environment. You can’t sleep. Someone always has the TV volume up to 90 so the people in the next zipcode can hear it. There are those nurses (you know who you are) that insist on turning every light on in the room to draw your blood while a rare few come in quietly and apologize for waking you. Suddenly the little things matter the most.
I once had a nurse offer me ice cream. I didn’t want anything else but for some odd reason it sounded really good. I perked up. It wasn’t the cup of ice milk that comes with a wooden thing resembling a spoon. They went to the cafeteria and got me Dryer’s Ice Cream. It was like the clouds parted and choir began to sing.
During one stay I had to get potassium via IV. Let me tell you- it’s painful. VERY painful. It burned so badly. They reduced the rate and while it helped, it still burned. A kind nurse walked in, cracked open a hotpack and stuck it where the IV was in my hand (I had too many blood draws at that point to get a good place in my arms), and gauze taped it to stay put. Instant relief. I wondered, why everyone was not in on this secret? Suddenly this became tolerable.
It doesn’t take much to make what can be a pretty awful experience, a little better. The nurses I encountered during my stays were all over the board in terms of what I could call “good”. Some looked pained to be taking care of me while others popped in quickly and fluffed my pillows and straightened up my bedding for me while I was in the bathroom. Fluffed my pillows and straightened up my bedding.  Just a small gesture that made everything in that moment, better. This is the nurse I want to be. The one that is attentive, even after a long shift,  and many patient room lights later -manages to treat me like I’m their only patient.

Cuts Like a Knife

Today I dissected a kidney. During the last half of class I wandered over to the back of the classroom and selected a cow kidney from the tray. They looked like chicken breasts and even felt like chicken breast when I held it to cut into it. It even cut like chicken breast….But let me tell you they sure didn’t smell like anything that came from a chicken. I was smelling that an hour after I exited the class.
Dissection days are my favorite. You get to see what you’ve been studying and bring it to life as it works inside your body versus focusing on a still photo.  We saw the pyramids where there are millions of nephrons. I geeked out. I’ll admit it. Even took a picture. No selfie though. That was reserved for the heart. See my instagram for that photo (mycupishalfful_).
Every day I am amazed (yes I realize this is a somewhat overused word but I couldn’t think of another word of equal value) at how the body works and how many moving pieces come into play without even thinking about it. The kidneys do not disappoint here. I’m not saying I want to be a specialist in this field or anything. I’ll take a hard pass there. It is fascinating though.
I’ve given some thought about donating my body to science when the time comes. Dealing with death is not a cheerful subject but it’s reality and the fact that we waste thousands on what we bury people in for materials that aren’t always biodegradable got me thinking about it.  This is how people learn in medicine and there’s nothing compared to seeing the real deal when it comes to the human body. If I’m excited about a cow kidney, imagine a medical student working with a real human cadaver to learn about each system and organ!
Death is a funny thing. We treat it with kid gloves here in this country unlike some others. We don’t really talk about it much, we eat our feelings, go to a showroom to pick out a box the cost of a cadillac lined with the most hideous fabric you’ve ever seen, to bury our loved ones and make funeral potatoes. There’s nothing wrong with funeral potatoes. I love them! Try them- just look on Pinterest.  The other stuff seems to be as excessive as our food portions. I’ve seen some options such as having your body made into a record (as in vinyl, but not..) or even planted as a tree. I always thought it would be strange to not have a given place to visit a loved one but truly that’s not them. It’s a body. Mourning a loss or celebrating a life can be done anywhere.  I’m really not trying to get all existential here. Just food for thought.
I’ve digressed. Dissections are pretty cool and I’m sad that this is my final class in the Anatomy and Physiology series but know that once I’m actively in the RN program (I apply in January) I’ll learn so much more. For now I’ll relish in the moment and try and forget about the hideous smell of the chick..I mean kidney. Bon Appetit!