Some people find humor around death disturbing. How can you joke about death and dying? Our family does it quite regularly. When enough of us have had to face our own mortality, you can succumb to the doldrums or lean toward humor. We choose humor. One time we were in a recovery room with my dad, and we all started laughing so hard his heart monitor went off. Another time my husband was in my dad’s hospital room, sitting on the only “chair” available- a commode. The grunting noises didn’t help. We all lost it—laughter among delirious tears.

Humor isn’t for everyone, but it’s important to acknowledge that it can be for some. Humor and laughing release the feel-goods, aka endorphins, in your brain.  At one point, my dad needed a defibrillator for his heart, but we had to wait until the insurance would authorize it. In the meantime, they recommended a vest that would defibrillate if necessary but was around $3600 per month. Suddenly discussions about eBay came up. “One slightly used defibrillating vest. Only minor burn marks”. We lost it. I think the staff thought we’d all lost our marbles. It’s how we cope.

Last night in class, we started by discussing our own death vigils we wrote out. Many of us wanted to be surrounded by trees and nature. One wanted an RV, and none of us had thought of that. It was brilliant. You can stop and be anywhere in nature you want to be at any time, catch sunsets and sunrises. We got a good giggle out of it but in support of the idea. Many wonderful ideas were shared, and you can bet we all took notes. For privacy, I’ll leave it at that.

Next, we discussed exploring meaning. We’d role play, using open-ended questions to delve into the client’s life. Accomplishments, what brings them joy, what activities do they like to do? Or, tell me about your career and what lead you to it. It’s amazing how much you learn by being quiet and just letting the information flow. The open-ended questions were designed to draw out further meaning, further pieces that makeup what the client is as a person. It was a joy to have this exchange and also play the dying patient answering the questions. It makes you realize what is most important to you.

The last activity was intense. We learned about R.U.G.S., which is for Regrets, Unfinished Business, Guilt, and Shame. Many of the dying have unfinished business or may need closure.  For the final activity, we role-played around the R. and U. Fortunately; they kept us with the same person we paired with earlier for the meaning exploration. It was a meaningful, thoughtful, heavy discussion. The activity made you realize how vulnerable a client can feel sharing these personal puzzle pieces that had gaps where some were missing. My partner was gracious, easy to talk to, and an excellent listener, so that certainly helped. Sometimes the client won’t get closure, so we discussed the possibility of writing a letter and having it buried or cremated with the client.

Everyone has a different reaction to death, and neither is wrong, whether it’s humor, grace, or peace. Sometimes it’s a little bit of each that brings us comfort.