So it’s been a while. About 9 months to be exact. It’s 10:07 PM. I should be headed up to bed after studying all day and preparing for my 8:00 AM lecture tomorrow. Instead, I find myself sitting here, staring at the screen, trying desperately to shove my veil of hesitance aside.
The nursing program has been all-consuming. Spring was a brutal term. Not just because of the sheer volume of classes, lab work, clinical hours, and endless studying, but I was also dealing with my mental health, which I’ve not really mentioned here.
In July, I had three emergency trips for what I assumed was severe, unusually presented migraines. None of which were relieved with my rescue med (red flag #1). All were not completely relieved with IV medications (red flag #2). All were accompanied by unrelenting nausea (red flag #3). On the third trip in, my blood pressure was through the roof and it turns out I had brain swelling. No known cause. Six-day hospital stay later and I’m home. Yet another medical issue to add to my ongoing list.
This is no pity party. There are far worse things happening in the world. What all of these experiences have done to me physically is one thing but mentally- it’s taken its toll. The stroke put me over the edge but I wouldn’t realize it until over a year later. Words like strong, resilient, determined, and “keeps on getting back up” are in my social media comments after these events. I am resilient. It takes a lot to knock me down. I’m stubborn as hell (as my husband will playfully but truthfully admit) and unstoppable when I put my mind to something.
Earlier this year I felt like something broke. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something wasn’t right with my head. I was all over the place in a way I couldn’t really describe, and my anxiety was through the roof. Levels that made it near crippling. Add that to my already easily overstimulated brain and well, it’s a hot mess. I started therapy In May. It’s been intense but long overdue. The physical aspects of all the medical events, tests, allergic reactions, surgical complications, the stroke, PRES, etc all took their toll and my psyche had had enough.
Since May I’ve been diagnosed with severe anxiety (no shock there). I joke with my school friends that I’m a professional overthinker. I also have severe PTSD. Another no-brainer. I suspected as much. I’m terrified of my headaches and migraines completely freak me out. Added to this is ADHD. Very common and helped me understand why school and focus can be such a struggle.
But one thing I hesitated until now is a biggie. Not because I’m ashamed but because there is still -even with all the knowledge we have- a stigma around it. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, patients are still treated differently by some providers because of this diagnosis. You’re looked at differently by some and this can affect how you’re treated medically, which would have huge implications for me. But I’m taking a risk here. I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2. It involves periods of hypomania and depression. I have an appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner for medication management, which I’m grateful for because it will make me feel better. What I’m on now makes me feel “meh”. Flat. It’s better than the severe ups and downs, but it’s not what I want to feel.
I have more to share about school and about how this is the final year of the AND program. How much I’m loving some of the subject matter right now and enjoying the simulation labs. But I’ll post that next time. I’m going to wade into the mental health pool lightly here for now. But people I know have been open about their own diagnosis and I think it’s important to do so in order to normalize it. Here is a link in case anyone wants to read up on it. It’s a lot to deal with while being in the program but therapy and meds will help me navigate through this. I will be walking across the commencement line in June. I am determined, I am resilient, and I am strong.