Yesterday I sat at our dining room table where my books and laptop reside, and stared blankly at the screen. My brain is so tired I can’t think straight. It’s been like being on a freight train barreling down the tracks full speed uphill without a fuel stop. I mustered through some of my math practice for our exam tomorrow and pushed past my “wall” that stood firmly in front of me.

In my previous terms, I’ve been able to push through exams then take a day or two to recover and dive back in. This term is far different. It’s been 100 mph the entire time. The kicker is that I HAVE to pass both of these classes. I don’t have room in my schedule to retake both next term if I didn’t. I’ve never worried about passing a class until now. It’s not a good feeling. It’s also why my posts have been less frequent. Stay with me!

We’ve been studying viruses, worms, and fungi in Microbiology. After learning all this stuff, I’m amazed we are all still living and functioning. While it’s interesting subject matter- the volume of information we have to learn (not just memorize) is so great, I can’t even put it into words. If you took a cup and placed it under a faucet and let the water run and just kept filling it until it overflowed and then kept going- yeah, you get the picture. That’s our brains right now. I know the nursing program will be like that so it’s important to grasp coping mechanisms and establish efficient study habits now.

Math is a different topic altogether. I won’t use this forum to just bitch and gripe. That’s not what I created it for. I did commit to being honest. The past three terms I’ve taken math and had A’s in all three. It’s not that I expect A’s ever time but I do work diligently for them. Our instructor is snarky at best. She’s standoffish and cold when answering questions in class. They usually begin with “Well I just said..” or “I told you…” I’ll never understand an instructor seeking out that kind of dynamic with their students. I use the words, “seeking out” because she’s actively choosing to create that kind of environment in her classroom. Feedback is not received well and the success of her students is simply not a priority. She takes pride in her subjective grading. I’ll leave it at that.

Monday I begin orientation for my new job. It’s super part time but an opportunity to get some experience under my belt and I welcome it. Patient experience will be vital moving forward and I plan to soak up everything I can. The balancing act won’t be easy but adapting and flexing my learning skills now will better prepare me for the program. Only 48 days until interview notifications go out. Eye on the prize! The things that get me through from term to challenging term are knowing what’s at the end point. If I don’t stay focused on those things, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and let the tide just take you out to sea. I’m still paddling. Badumbum. That’s what happens when you’re this level of tired. You make really bad punny jokes and analogies.

I’ll post once I have my grades back in keeping with being transparent. Right now I need to hunker down and keep trudging forward.

There should be an emoji association with grades, much like the 1-10 pain scale in the doctor offices. An A would be a unicorn with rainbows coming out of it’s butt and an F would be a steaming poop emoji. A C should be Batman slap in the face with a “Snap out of it!”.

Last week we had our first math and microbiology exams. When I exited both I felt as though I could throw up at any minute. As I sat in the hall outside the microbiology room after my test, I felt my stomach turning and my eyes well up. I did not like the panicky feeling of uncertainty that overwhelmed me at that moment. I had studied hours on end, wrote flashcards, talked things through with my study group – but somehow I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had failed.

Today I didn’t get my math test grade but we did receive our micro exam grades. I got a C. Not a high C or a low C. Just a C. A plain old, smelly, average, no frills C. I HATE C’s. Loathe is actually a better word. Up to this point I had A’s in my classes. Even math. At the same time- I had never been happier to see a C in my life than I had in that moment because I had passed. That exam was HARD. The material is not rocket science but the volume of information is like a tidal wave overtaking your brain on a surfboard and getting caught in a riptide, then a shark coming to feast on your carcass after it’s drowned.

For the near year-long Anatomy & Physiology series, I knew what to study. I knew how many hours, what to review and go over in my head until I had it. Even then it was hard but at the very least I knew how to study for it. This class is different. I didn’t know how yet, that is until about four days prior to the exam. They say hindsight is 20/20. I say it’s a bitch. It sneaks up and bites you in the ass when you least expect it. I’ve already changed up how I’m studying and have a plan of attack. It doesn’t take the sting out of the C grade but it makes me remind myself that I’m not a C student.

The beauty of our study group is that everyone brings something different to the table; one is great with connecting the things we’re learning to the big picture, another can pick things up just listening. One loves to explain things with a more conversational, humorous approach and another is good at picking out little details we may have missed and remains calm as a cucumber. Study groups are a lifeline and I’m so grateful for ours or I’d be sitting somewhere in a corner in a fetal position eating my feelings.

This term has been tough. Neither instructor is what I’d call “personable” or give engaging lectures. Neither embraces technology and one is completely unorganized in how they deliver their lectures. I’m reminded that adapting and adjusting is going to be a key skill to not just get into the nursing program but more importantly- to STAY in it. So that’s precisely what I plan to do. Speaking of program– only 61 more days until we’re notified as to whether or not we get an interview. Not that I’m keeping track…