This is really difficult to write, but I’ve promised transparency about my health or school or mental health, etc. So here goes.

I took my final on Monday. I passed; however, I needed an extra five points to make up for what I missed on my midterm. Before my midterm, I was going through withdrawals from a psychiatric medication for my Bipolar 2 disorder, and had horrible symptoms. Deep depression and feeling so sick, I got a COVID test. It put me behind three weeks with school content. Once this all passed, I worked my ass off to study and get caught up.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough, and I missed passing by 5 points, which meant I needed to make up those points on my final, which did not happen. So I am out of the nursing program. I can not challenge it.

Yes, I can retake the class next year—but- I’d have to pay out of pocket (the last term was nearly $5000) and take the courses before it to keep the clinical skills fresh.

More importantly, there’s also something else I noticed. My retention has taken a nosedive. I had seen it over the past several months. There were things that Pat told me that I didn’t remember him telling me. For example, a friend sitting at my table looked at me funny when I asked her a question about something, and she said I was the one who taught her a funny new pneumonic to remember the concept. I didn’t remember any of that. That happened a few times.

My brain is not retaining as it should. After my stroke, I did not have these issues of this severity during the first year of nursing school. This all started after the swelling brain issue I had last year called PRES. Posterior Reversible Encephalopathy Syndrome. There isn’t much information about it, and I honestly don’t know if that’s what the cause is. But I do know it’s been a very significant issue with studying.

To say I’m devastated is an understatement. I’ve never worked harder for anything in my entire life. So for the next couple of weeks, I plan to rest my brain, maybe visit with family, and regroup. Then think about the next steps. I still want to work with hospice patients, so a Death Doula (aka Death Midwife) program is where I’m looking next.

For now, it stings too deeply to go any further with that. Even looking at my nursing stuff on our table hurts. But I’ll get past this. My amazing hubby reminded me that I am not this exam. I am not this grade. My dad reminded me of how far I got with a brain injury and all my managed mental health issues.

As much as it hurts- hurts- I can’t change it. So, I’m going to figure out where I’ll go next.