Tag Archives: compassion

Land of the Math Misfits

So I’ve mentioned my math class and how it’s a bit odd. I’ll now reference it as the misfit math class. I can’t think of any other name. The random characters… Scratch that. It’s more about the random behavior of the characters in the class.

The instructor is a nice guy but… There’s always a but… He’s a pushover. To a fault. Today I realized a student who sits behind me has a serious case of the mouth trots. She.Never.Shuts.Up. It’s a constant stream of words that has no filter and apparently no off button. I joked with a friend the other day that she has no “inside voice” either. She chatters through nearly the whole class and has no qualms about keeping us updated about her latest doctor appointments and other ailments. The blank stares and exchanged glances like a bad smell in the produce aisle. You know all know who dealt it but no one wants to acknowledge the guilty party.

Then there’s Loud Mary (see what I did there?) who continues to talk as though she’s week one at boot camp. I’m pretty sure my ears ring when I leave class. Her comments are random and fly out at the speed of sound. This is the same person who finally decided to show up to class week two, 40 minutes late and yell out, “Yo teach, when is the first test?!” I’d like to compare it to The Breakfast Club and write it off to just being a “diverse” cross-section of folks; the jock, the princess, the nerd etc. If only it were that fun and interesting. More than halfway through the term and thankfully there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

On a more serious, less crass note, I haven’t blogged about the CNA work I was doing for a couple of reasons. After just a few orientation days, it ended. After being short paid and problems getting it resolved I wasn’t left feeling warm and fuzzy. There was another issue but I’m not going into any details the spirit of keeping things professional. The place was undergoing a lot of staffing changes, (understandably). I’ll leave it at that. For now, I’m looking for part-time work, preferably with homecare but am keeping my options open. I want the experience and really enjoy the patient contact, listening to their stories.

There is something about caregiving and being there at a vulnerable time in someone’s life.  It’s a privilege. I can’t describe it any other way. But then I guess that’s how I know in my heart of hearts, in the deepest pit of my gut- that I’m in the right field. That’s how I see it- as a privilege. We enter this world needing help and guidance. We need cues. We need basic needs of life; food, shelter, clothing. We need patience. We need empathy. It’s no different when you’re sick or dying. You need all those things. Being present for that- a piece of that vulnerable picture is, in fact, a privilege. I don’t know where I will land next, but the need always exists. I’m keeping my eyes and ears open.

The Inevitable Question

Why nursing? That questions pops up more times than I can count. It’s a fair question. I’ll start by saying this- it’s not about the money. Just so that’s out of the way. The salary is good, don’t get me wrong, but you earn every single dime of that money through literal blood, sweat, and tears. At times it’s grueling and the stress level is unreal. No rose colored glasses here.
Scrubs are cool and all and they come in some pretty stellar colors and patterns, but it will take more than that to lure me to a career where my shoes will end up in the garage and not the house after work.
It’s not the Monday through Friday 8-5 schedule. Yeah- 8-5. That’s funny.  I’m fully aware of the reality that I will likely end up working nights, holidays, overtime,  and whatever random hours are thrown at me. There is a disbelief that nurses “only” work 2- 3 days a week. That word “only” makes me cringe. I might work 3 at some point but realistically  it will be during a  variety of shifts and they are long hours, often equating to 10 or 12 at a time. On your feet. Walking, bending, stooping, and lifting. Smelling all the smells and seeing all the things. Did I mention hearing all the things too? Hospitals are funny places for sounds. Whooshing, beeping, retching, vomiting, crying, laughing, overly loud televisions blaring, radome pieces of conversations- all permeate the walls.
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Nursing for me combines my loves; advocacy, caregiving, and medicine. Medicine is  constantly evolving. Every day you read about a new therapy or surgical procedure. There’s always an opportunity to learn, which is why I think I love school so much. It’s an opportunity to be perpetual student. Taking care of people when they are at their worst, feeling so crappy that they yell and swear at you, cry, mourn loss,  or even smell funny, is not for the faint of heart. You have to think on your feet, be direct but in a way that doesn’t alienate patients. It requires showing empathy but not to the extent of coming of disingenuous. There’s a need to be concise. Brevity but not at such a level that you leave key information out.
Some of the best nurses I had used humor to disarm, quiet to allow me to work through pain, and listened even when they probably didn’t want to.
This week marks the week before finals. I work my ass off to keep my grades up but lets be real here; no amount of A’s will give me the skills to help someone deal with pain or grieve over life changing news. It won’t help me laugh with someone who’s dying or help them through the process. It’s certainly not going to help me maintain my composure when I make a mistake and am called out on it.  So in a couple of weeks I will begin the process of becoming a CNA II. Being a CNA is not glamorous nor does it pay a high salary. It’s a way to maintain direct contact with patients. It’s a means of learning from seasoned nurses, listening and observing. It’s a way to refine my interaction with both patients and staff as I learn about the clinical side of things. tree-2730787_960_720
At the end of the day when keep having to grab toothpicks to keep my eyes open and my brain going to get through finals, resisting that cold beer in the fridge or my bike that keeps begging me to go for a ride- I keep my goals in my back pocket, always at the ready. A gentle reminder that bigger and better things await- people await. Learning awaits.

Kate Spade and Loss

I’m breaking from blogging about anything nursing or school related. Today I read about something that made me stop in my tracks, sigh really deeply, and think to myself, “no, not another one”.
Nearly a year ago my brother and sister in law gave me my first Kate Spade handbag for my birthday. I was over the moon about it. Her line felt like a beacon of light in a deep sea of accessories and clothing. Her look was timeless, classic, and sometimes quirky, often reminiscent of Jacqueline Kennedy.
katespade
But today is not about the loss of a clothing designer who actually stepped away from her original brand in 2007 to start Frances Valentine. It’s not about her colorful handbags or adorable shoes and dresses whose lines know no specific decade.
This is about yet another loss to a seemingly invisible illness, of someone that brought joy and light to others. It’s about asking ourselves what exactly we are missing about those around us and how? What signs were visible in her final weeks and days? Were there subtle changes to her behavior or cancelled commitments or disconnections that went unnoticed?
We will read headlines that read, “Too young”, or “Known for her popular handbags”. My fear in all of this is that the follow-up headlines won’t include what we as a community can do to help or learn to recognize crisis; how we can support one another or help wipe away the stigma that smears the pain of those that suffer, with guilt or shame. If someone has cancer or ALS, we rally around them. We know what to do and how to help so we step into action. We fundraise, we give money to research for cures and treatments. We bring dinners and clean houses or help run errands. What about mental health? Did someone offer this to Kate? Did she feel safe enough to talk about it or was she afraid of how it would impact her professionally?
Physical illness doesn’t come with the same judgements that mental one’s do. There’s a certain “comfort” level we have with dealing with physical issues and it takes being unafraid to ask the tough questions or to ask someone how they are doing and actually mean it. It takes time to sit and listen to someone.It takes compassion to empathize with what we can’t see or maybe even understand.
So while we mourn the loss of a presence that appealed to our eyes and senses, my hope is that we will also mourn what could have been done to keep this light shining.

Trapper Keeper vs Pee Chee

Can one have enough school supplies? Asking for a friend.
Buying a new binder or set of pens at some point became something that’s fun. #adulting.  Since keeping organized is super important, my collection of colored pens, tabs, sticky post-its, and highlighters has grown to Imelda Marcos proportions. The solution? Fun places to keep all of this stuff. My most recent acquisitions are from Amazon. pen bags small I can throw them in my backpack (aka the abyss) and get to them easily. The cheekier the better, hence the unicorn bag. Unicorns-amirite?! A study group friend was kind enough to get us all notecards cases, which ridiculously enough I had no idea this was even a thing. I now have three. Two for completed flashcards (I can flashcard like no other) and one for blanks. No more plastic baggies! Yay! Hey no judgment, it’s the little things!
Colored pencils, my trusty whiteboard, and Anatomy flashcard set all sit on display in a very special place; our dining room table. I just can’t study at a desk. Not enough room and I refuse to sit against a wall. I need to be able to move, stretch out, and have a window nearby. If I need something to eat or drink, it’s at an arms reach. Plus- all this stuff takes up space. I’d need three desks the size of a Costco food shelf just to sprawl out with all of my books, laptop, lecture notes etc. around me.
I think the stores and Amazon are onto our love of these things though as my friends also like this sort of thing to a certain extent. Now there are coloring books for physiology to help you learn, pre-made flashcard sets with everything labeled and numbered. There are laminated cards on key rings. It’s endless. Remember Trapper Keepers?trapper keepr I blame them. They started this whole mess! You used to get these hideous looking Pee Chee folderspee chee with some absurd graphic of men wearing shorts that are borderline Daisy Dukes and a woman who I assume should be a cheerleader but looks like she’s using a feather duster. Then came Trapper Keeper with their colored folder and fun pop culture themed binders with the velcro closure. Getting one of those felt like Christmas morning. Pen cases with the retractable lid morphed into fun pouches and ballpoint pens to gel pens in a bazillion (that’s a number, trust me) colors.
Amazon is my trusty go to for a lot of this stuff for convenience but also for cost. The only problem is that now I see suggested items in my feed such as cute vintage looking chicken wire storage baskets or the Littmann stethoscope I’ve been eying, constantly popping up. Not cool to keep luring me in Amazon! Just slow your role!
………… Those baskets could effectively hold my pen collection..
 

No Study Saturday

I want to start a new hashtag, #nostudysaturday. Anyone else feel “guilty” when they walk away from their study regimen? It’s a weird feeling I mean we can get up in the morning and choose to watch cat videos all day or we can spend the weekend enjoying the sunshine and hiking or hanging out with friends and family.
Yesterday we did just that. Ya know what? It felt pretty damn good. I wasn’t buried in videos trying to get my head wrapped around a physiological process or calculating math problems. This is what my previous 10 days had looked like. My brain started to glaze over and I was near requiring toothpicks to keep my eye lids open.
Yesterday we sat outside, visited with family, and took in as much fresh air and sunshine as possible. The studying will always be there and the next exam around the corner. Each weekend I try to split up my study time and outdoor/ have fun time. Today it’s going to be around 80 degrees and sunny. I plan to take advantage of it and get out but then hit the books later in the day. What I’m finding is that it’s about balance. In the winter if it’s cold and nasty out it’s a lot easier to write off a day spent with my books but on days like today it’s easy to get distracted and harder to walk away. Walk away. Just do it. Even if just for a few hours. Your brain and body will thank you for it later. You’ll feel recharged.
I plan to start drawing out the kidney and a nephron along with all of the structures and physiological processes that are involved and will post about that this week and include some pictures on instagram (mycupishalfful). Until then, cheers to those cat videos or a good run or bike ride!
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Rest and Recharge

After our last exam  on digestion, I decided it was time for a rest and recharge period. It’s so tough to do. I mean yeah it’s a choice and I need to be cognizant of when my body is trying to tell me it needs a break but it’s not easy. These classes require consistent study time. These are hefty topics. I got an A on this last exam because I spent countless hours studying, drawing, and talking through the processes with my study group. Yesterday the school was closed for whatever reason (teacher inservice somethingorother whah whah whah..) so I began watching a video on our next topic- the kidneys. Then stopped. Today we hiked. Now I’m finishing the video and taking some notes, then I’ll take a rest break.
Rest and recharging are just as important as study time. It allows you to regroup, think more clearly, and maintain some semblance of sanity through all this information that’s pouring into your head. I don’t know what works for you but walking, biking, hiking, even stopping to look for new music invigorates me. When I find my eyes glazing over and that I’m having to redo my notes or reread things, it’s time to step away from the computer and take a break, even if brief.
Sometimes I’ll put some music on and make flashcards to be studied later. At least it adds a bit of fun. Some people cram and are damn good at it. I need to chew on it. Ponder it. See it, draw it, talk through it to fully understand the physiological processes. While I wish I could get our cat Bowie in on it, he only seems interested in “helping” by eating my papers or sitting on them staring at me. I’ll stick to drawing and watching videos. BowiePic

I could fall asleep…..

Right here in this chair. Yep, sitting up and everything. This past AP3 exam took every ounce of energy I had out of me. Ever have exams like that? Yeah, thought so. My awesome study group had a five hour marathon study session last night at a local diner. Laptop, hundreds of flashcards, and pictures everywhere. We even had white boards (one of the most valuable study tools!) to draw out processes as we discussed them. By the time we left I was grateful it wasn’t too far from home. The mental exhaustion set in and all I could think about was how I could go to bed earlyish tonight. It’s the little things!
I never realized how many moving parts were involved (organs, chemicals, hormones, enzymes etc..) in digestion. The small intestine basically throws a rave in your gut and all hell breaks loose. Ya got the glow sticks (bile), the chemical reactions, the mood music (churning of the gut). It’s quite a happening place to be for the cool kids.
This term feels like being under water. You take a look around but all you hear is what’s immediately around you. Everything else is drowned out. After an exam, you come up for air, take a look around, realize the sun is out and the birds are chirping, then sink back down into oblivion until the next time. Rinse, repeat. I’m actually going to miss taking AP since this is the last one in our series after nearly a year. What I won’t miss? The intensity of those deep dives.
Oh and I got an A on this exam so sometimes the exhaustion is worth it to see the sunshine-even if only briefly.

Grades

When I first sat down with an academic adviser a year or so ago, she looked me in the eye and said, “You have to get A’s”. The nursing program entry is so competitive that anything less puts you at a disadvantage. To anyone reading this that’s not aiming for a nursing degree, the prerequisites are mostly heavy science and math classes. This is no easy feat. Doable? Certainly, but the level of focus, sacrifice to family, friends, and any hopes of a social life are great. So far so good, but last week I had my first AP3 exam and got a (gulp) C. I missed a B by one point but it’s still a dreaded C. It’s not my norm and I know I’ll recover with the next 3 exams but it punched me square in the gut to read it once it posted. I knew it wasn’t going to be an A but had thought it might be a B or B- at the worst.
This has been a roller coaster of a ride. You successfully pass each exam over the class average and one grade hits you like a ton of bricks. Your self confidence wanes and you feel as though you’re back at the starting line. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some sort of a adrenaline rush  when you do conquer a topic you fought you’re way through and reach an A. You feel like you can do anything. Quantum Physics? Bring it on. Dark matter? Put it right here. Then a C rears it’s ugly head like that scary clown at a kids party and suddenly you begin to wonder if you’ve been adding 2+2 correctly.
But nursing can mean the difference between life and death. At the end of the day, do want someone that did just OK adding medications to your IV? Yeah, me either.
 

Is this dress too short?

What the ever-living hell is this garbage? I looked for free clip art related to nursing and this is one of the images that came up. This looks like a trashy Halloween costume you’d buy at Spirits. I mean the hat. Come on! And that clipboard. Really?  I suppose I could pay for an image or become a graphic designer in my (ahem..) “free” time, but I had hoped to find more stethoscopes or scrubs. Not Nurse Ratchet meets Jenna Jameson. Come to think of it, there probably are patients out there that would love to see a nurse show up in their hospital room wearing that outfit. Breaking news- hospitals around the country are reporting a surge in over night stays and emergency visits. Get my drift?
I’d love to see some bad-ass, inked up, pink hair, scrubs wearing, cape owning nurse clip art instead. Or we could just be realistic and show the various colors of bodily fluids flanked by *&%$# for the expletives thrown around at nurses for simply doing their job and being honest with patients. Oh the possibilities!Nurse Holding Tray With Medicine Clipart

CNA Stuff

Today I completed the registration process for my CNA I class (to be followed by CNA II class in the fall). It was surreal, but not because I’ve always wanted to be a CNA. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good job. For me it means I’m within arms reach of applying into the nursing program and having my pre-requisites completed. A year ago we moved here away from our family and friends so I could complete them on a full time basis. To see the finish line of my first goal feels incredible.
Being a CNA will allow me to work with and care for patients. It exposes me to all sorts of various scenarios  and connects me to other like minded people. You don’t get into for the pay. Contrary to what you may have heard (and I’ve heard it a lot), although nursing pays well, you earn every penny of it. It’s can be brutal physically and mentally, the hours are long, and if you’re a newbie it’s likely you’ll give up your holidays to be at work.
Before we moved I reached out via an app that connects me with people in my neighborhood and asked new and veteran nurses for their two cents. What was it really like to go back to school for this field at an older than average age? How demanding is it? What kind of work can you do once you transition out of a hospital environment? How do you move up and continue to learn? I wanted honest, sage advice and that’s exactly what I got. It was insightful for both good and bad reasons  but it allowed me to enter this whole process with my eyes wide opened.
I’ll try and document my CNA training experience here as best as I’m able. This summer will be pretty crazy since I’ll simultaneously be taking two online pre-reqs (8 credits total). Fortunately the CNA program I’m signed up for is 4 weeks. I have the time so I’m doing it full time five days a week, split into two weeks classroom and two weeks clinical. I’d rather hit the ground running and learn than extend it out unnecessarily. When in Rome… Knowing that this coming winter I’ll be applying into the RN program is motivation enough to push forward with a smile on my face. Most of the time. Some of the time. Most. Well, depends on the day. You know how it goes.