This little guy is trying to bloom. Soon this tiny bulb will open up and flower. 

This is how I view my brain. Somewhere in my brain lies my ability to recall what I was told just five minutes earlier. Somewhere in there is the ability to guide my eyes to follow what I’m looking out without delay or trying to focus and seeing double. Somewhere in there is my rapid-fire word-finding ability and consistent thought flow. And somewhere in there lies the refinement to be able to sort out sounds that are currently fighting to be heard all at once. 

It’s there and with time, each piece will slowly reveal itself. Man, that is SO cheesy but I have to say it’s pretty dang accurate. On a side note, have I mentioned how much I loathe those hideous inspirational pictures in doctor offices? The ones with parting clouds and Hallmarkesque prose? *Gag*. It’s right up there with the “everything happens for a reason BS. No, it doesn’t. Shit happens and you deal with it. Patients don’t need a sympathy card- they need rock music or Karate Kid in the sweep the leg scene.

Last week I met with my nursing program advisor. She has been a guide for me since the first day I stepped back onto campus nearly three years ago and my go-to when I want someone to tell it to me straight. I wanted to discuss spring term. If I don’t take my next math class they will all expire. So I discussed it at my OT appt. My occupational therapists say it may be too soon but not impossible to begin taking a class again. So here I am registered for spring term. I can’t drive yet and have a lot of work to do between now and then but I am determined to complete it. There is NO way I’m losing three math classes and making it rain with all the money spent on it.

The coming days to prepare me will test me. I’m a type-A personality and patience is not exactly my virtue. It will test my (current) limitations and require the understanding that I’ll need accommodations for class to allow myself more time than usual for exams and a quiet atmosphere to process information. Right now repetitive pen clicking would make me want to pull out Batman smack. Fortunately, I’m a lover, not a hater so that will remain an inside my head dream, er.. thought.

My first full OT appointment was Monday. Things started out well. Stroke has affected my vision so I have eye therapy exercises to do to help me regain my focus and binocular vision. Right now if you were to ask me to follow your finger with my eyes you’d see delayed, somewhat jerky movement. Focusing on objects close to my eyes is really uncomfortable so I need to work on that too. 

Next came multitasking. I was given two assessments to complete and both were timed. The first involved circled numbers randomly scattered on a piece of paper. I was to connect them in numerical order as quickly as I was able. The second involved a similar exercise but three in letters parallel to the numbers. So now my brain had to match up both in numerical and alphabetical order.

I completed both exercises. Upon completion, I looked at her and asked her how I did and what the norm was. On the first exam, she told me the average normal time was about 21 seconds. Anything beyond 60 or 70 was considered an impairment. It took me 1 minute 32 seconds. And although the second assessment outcome was slightly better, I am mediately teared up because I realized just how injured my brain was. And how much work I have to do to get it back to “normal“. It was like a swift punch to the gut. I wanted to throw up and run out, not because I failed but because I was scared shitless.

Physical therapy has been going great and I’m making a lot of progress. But since the previous occupational therapist left there had been a gap in continuing OT until now because of the shortage of providers in this area and how long it takes to get an appointment. So the reality of the cognitive piece of this was a tough pill to swallow. This is not a pity party or a woe is me post. It’s reality. I just want to be transparent. I try to remain positive and always focus on small accomplishments. That’s what keeps me moving forward. I’m in full-on Cobra Kai mode.

That day I allowed myself to feel the grief of the situation. That’s something that the doctors just don’t talk about enough. They address the physical and cognitive issues but they don’t go over the grief piece of it. The loss of the feeling of normalcy or your life that once was I wanted to be pissed off and angry that the stroke has taken that (albeit temporarily) away from me. It’s sucks. No other way to put it. 

Registering for a class got me motivated. I love school and would be a forever student if it wasn’t so expensive. I enjoy learning. I think that’s one of the things about nursing that excites me the most. You’re always learning. So that’s what I’m remaining focused on. 

I will have physical therapy once a week, occupational therapy twice a week, and speech therapy one to two times a week. Speech therapy will address my higher cognitive functions which is crucial. They are working to get me from point A (where I am now) to point B (nursing school in the fall). I may check to see if REI will sponsor a tent for me to camp out at the doctor’s office, but I digress. I walk nearly every day and am trying to incorporate other things such as yoga, into my routine. 

It’s a one day at a time effort and each is different. I’m determined to get to point B damn it, even when I struggle and deal with migraines 2-3 times a week. Even when assessments take me longer I want to throw a hissy fit. And even when I can’t recall words as fast as I’d like and I curse under my breath and look at Pat to help spark my brain back to an idle. I’ll drop a few f-bombs when balance and left-sided coordination are challenging and I veer to the left when I’m only supposed to LOOK left but walk straight.  Tell me I can’t do it and I’ll show you otherwise. 

Quick- someone cue up Eye of the Tiger. I’m at the base of the stairs and am on my way up.