Tag Archives: college

Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

(Note-This is not an exact timeline, but a rough recall of events.)

Last October I was admitted into the hospital. I had been having strange symptoms for which there was no answer. I’ll explain what happened first then give an update.

I had numbness in my legs and all of the sudden walking up the stairs made it feel as though I had sandbags on my legs. My brain told me to chalk it up to being fatigued but deep down I was nervous. The numbness and tingling was spreading and had made it to my arms and legs. I felt “heavy”.

After talking to a couple of wonderful friends I met in nursing school and explaining my symptoms, they both immediately brought up Guillain-Barre syndrome. I had the symptoms but needed to be diagnosed. Out of an abundance of caution, I headed to see my primary care doctor who shortly after examining me and evaluating my symptoms, instructed me to go to the ER, which we did.

MRI, check. CT, check. Blood work, check. All normal but nothing pointing to answers. I’m released still not knowing what is wrong with me. I called my doc back and she insisted i go to the other hospital here and ask for a lumbar puncture, the only way to formally diagnose this. Once there, I was seen promptly and they informed me that I would begetting this procedure. It’s not a walk in the park and I hope I never have to have one ever again.

The results came back positive. A year ago this month, I was diagnosed with Guillain-Barre (GBS). Life as we knew it would drastically change.

GBS is autoimmune, My immune system is attacking my peripheral nervous system. There isn’t a lot known about it’s cause but we do know that certain vaccines and infection can cause it. Mine was likely caused by a gut infection I didn’t know I had until after a surgery.

My immune system is not strong enough to get my usual flu and covid shots, or the shingles shot since turning 50. GBS usually reverses itself but you don’t know what deficits you’re left with for some time. Hope is always alive as we patiently wait for a verdict. Time is a bitch.

Without going into the nitty gritty, the past year has involved a total of nearly 6 months inpatient between the hospital, a skilled nursing facility. I was paralyzed from the waist down, was on multiple meds for pain that barely touched it, and worked through grueling therapy to get where I am now. I’m still in a wheelchair but can move my legs, am off the heavy duty pain meds. I am on a medication for severe nerve pain. My hands feel like sandpaper and numbness still plagues my extremities, but every week I get a little more feeling back. This has been a hellish experience but therapy is helping me cope.

I’ve not lost sight on how far I’ve come.In many cases you can end up on a ventilator. Fortunately, I escaped that nightmare. I’ve now been home longer than inpatient. There are things I can do myself like comb my hair, get dressed, and do some make up. It’s normalcy that I crave the most and strive for. Getting to see family and friends, being able to transfer from a wheelchair to the car is physical and mental freedom.

I start back up with therapy in January ( I maxed out my visits with insurance, another blog post) and continue with my exercise regimen at home. My drive to walk is impenetrable and I am willing to do whatever it takes to reach that milestone. My physical therapist is incredible and has helped propel me forward, albeit slowly. Progress is progress.

Gratitude is forever etched into my heart. Friends that have helped with meals, financial contributions, and visits (I LOVE visits). often brought me to tears. Family has been so supportive an helped beyond measure. I hate to use colloquialisms. Reeeeally hate to, but-the phrase, “It takes a village”, is not lost on me.

Most importantly in the gratitude department, my hubby. His care is tireless. His support unending. Working full time, caring for me, our two cats, keeping up on housework, and cooking our meals-he’s an incredibly amazing human with a sturdy heart of gold.

Lastly, I jumped back into school, determined to finish my last three classes before I transfer to Oregon State University to complete a degree in Public Health. It’s an online program which will work well given my situation. Career options are key since I’m now more susceptible to getting a flare of this again and being able to work remotely or even in a wheelchair is big. I will still work as an end of life doula but not until I’m walking since accessibility will be a challenge.

A lot to ingest. That’s how life feels but we are trucking along one day at a time.

A Change Is Gonna Come

This is really difficult to write, but I’ve promised transparency about my health or school or mental health, etc. So here goes.

I took my final on Monday. I passed; however, I needed an extra five points to make up for what I missed on my midterm. Before my midterm, I was going through withdrawals from a psychiatric medication for my Bipolar 2 disorder, and had horrible symptoms. Deep depression and feeling so sick, I got a COVID test. It put me behind three weeks with school content. Once this all passed, I worked my ass off to study and get caught up.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough, and I missed passing by 5 points, which meant I needed to make up those points on my final, which did not happen. So I am out of the nursing program. I can not challenge it.

Yes, I can retake the class next year—but- I’d have to pay out of pocket (the last term was nearly $5000) and take the courses before it to keep the clinical skills fresh.

More importantly, there’s also something else I noticed. My retention has taken a nosedive. I had seen it over the past several months. There were things that Pat told me that I didn’t remember him telling me. For example, a friend sitting at my table looked at me funny when I asked her a question about something, and she said I was the one who taught her a funny new pneumonic to remember the concept. I didn’t remember any of that. That happened a few times.

My brain is not retaining as it should. After my stroke, I did not have these issues of this severity during the first year of nursing school. This all started after the swelling brain issue I had last year called PRES. Posterior Reversible Encephalopathy Syndrome. There isn’t much information about it, and I honestly don’t know if that’s what the cause is. But I do know it’s been a very significant issue with studying.

To say I’m devastated is an understatement. I’ve never worked harder for anything in my entire life. So for the next couple of weeks, I plan to rest my brain, maybe visit with family, and regroup. Then think about the next steps. I still want to work with hospice patients, so a Death Doula (aka Death Midwife) program is where I’m looking next.

For now, it stings too deeply to go any further with that. Even looking at my nursing stuff on our table hurts. But I’ll get past this. My amazing hubby reminded me that I am not this exam. I am not this grade. My dad reminded me of how far I got with a brain injury and all my managed mental health issues.

As much as it hurts- hurts- I can’t change it. So, I’m going to figure out where I’ll go next.

My Brain Needs a Spa Treatment

So it’s been a while. About 9 months to be exact. It’s 10:07 PM. I should be headed up to bed after studying all day and preparing for my 8:00 AM lecture tomorrow. Instead, I find myself sitting here, staring at the screen, trying desperately to shove my veil of hesitance aside.

The nursing program has been all-consuming. Spring was a brutal term. Not just because of the sheer volume of classes, lab work, clinical hours, and endless studying, but I was also dealing with my mental health, which I’ve not really mentioned here.

In July, I had three emergency trips for what I assumed was severe, unusually presented migraines. None of which were relieved with my rescue med (red flag #1). All were not completely relieved with IV medications (red flag #2). All were accompanied by unrelenting nausea (red flag #3). On the third trip in, my blood pressure was through the roof and it turns out I had brain swelling. No known cause. Six-day hospital stay later and I’m home. Yet another medical issue to add to my ongoing list.  

This is no pity party. There are far worse things happening in the world. What all of these experiences have done to me physically is one thing but mentally- it’s taken its toll. The stroke put me over the edge but I wouldn’t realize it until over a year later. Words like strong, resilient, determined, and “keeps on getting back up” are in my social media comments after these events. I am resilient. It takes a lot to knock me down. I’m stubborn as hell (as my husband will playfully but truthfully admit) and unstoppable when I put my mind to something.

Earlier this year I felt like something broke. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something wasn’t right with my head. I was all over the place in a way I couldn’t really describe, and my anxiety was through the roof. Levels that made it near crippling. Add that to my already easily overstimulated brain and well, it’s a hot mess. I started therapy In May. It’s been intense but long overdue. The physical aspects of all the medical events, tests, allergic reactions, surgical complications, the stroke, PRES, etc all took their toll and my psyche had had enough.

Since May I’ve been diagnosed with severe anxiety (no shock there). I joke with my school friends that I’m a professional overthinker. I also have severe PTSD. Another no-brainer. I suspected as much. I’m terrified of my headaches and migraines completely freak me out. Added to this is ADHD. Very common and helped me understand why school and focus can be such a struggle.

But one thing I hesitated until now is a biggie. Not because I’m ashamed but because there is still -even with all the knowledge we have- a stigma around it. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, patients are still treated differently by some providers because of this diagnosis. You’re looked at differently by some and this can affect how you’re treated medically, which would have huge implications for me. But I’m taking a risk here. I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2. It involves periods of hypomania and depression. I have an appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner for medication management, which I’m grateful for because it will make me feel better. What I’m on now makes me feel “meh”. Flat. It’s better than the severe ups and downs, but it’s not what I want to feel.

I have more to share about school and about how this is the final year of the AND program. How much I’m loving some of the subject matter right now and enjoying the simulation labs. But I’ll post that next time. I’m going to wade into the mental health pool lightly here for now. But people I know have been open about their own diagnosis and I think it’s important to do so in order to normalize it. Here is a link in case anyone wants to read up on it. It’s a lot to deal with while being in the program but therapy and meds will help me navigate through this. I will be walking across the commencement line in June. I am determined, I am resilient, and I am strong.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder

99 Problems but a Pill Ain’t One

For the record, I have no rap game. Like none. Nada. Wit, once in a rare while, but if were to even attempt to rap I’d sound worse than Vanilla Ice saying Eminem lyrics. Wrapping however-I got mad skills.

Pills, pills, pills. Medication names and side effects and drug interactions, and patient teaching, and drug class, and…… Deep sigh. So. Many. Medications to learn. This on top of everything else. It’s like an endless stream of receipt paper flowing from my head until it piles up and you have to rip it off. Except that you can’t rip it off. You have to retain it for the next section we learn. It continues to pile up and fold on top of itself. That is nursing school.

Tomorrow we have our first clinical rotation at the hospital. I’m excited but nervous but mostly excited about it. Getting to see the things we’re learning and apply it to real-life situations is a bonus. Patient interaction is something I’ve missed greatly. The reality that people are also sick with Covid looms over us but that is what we’re in this for, right? The good, the bad, and the ugly. Nursing is not pretty. People are sick and sometimes they die. Sometimes they suffer a traumatic experience and their lives are changed forever. The way I see it, we have the privilege of being there for that. The privilege to have their health and safety at heart. The privilege to see them through tragedy to recover or the privilege of helping them transition through death.

What we do is a privilege. I can joke about the gowns leaving your backside flapping in the wind, dry turkey sandwiches, and about in-depth discussions about bodily functions all day long. I’ve been a patient enough times to have earned a solid sense of humor about it. But underneath all of that, the reality of why we are there is always at the forefront. Humor is what makes it both relatable and mentally digestible to come back the next day and do it all over again.

This term one of our classes is Health Promotion. Much of nursing is teaching. It’s a pretty cool aspect of the job and although my brain is like a full, overflowing, useless sponge at this point- it’s been really fun to learn to teach patients. Some of the best nurses I had listened to me, talked TO me and taught me. As a CNA2 the good ones were wonderful teachers who explained the whys and hows. Something to aspire to.

Remember Vanilla Ice? Still Making $800K a Year and Worth $9 Million

Perspective

There’s an intense moment in Grey’s Anatomy (shocking, I know…) when Derek Shepherd says, “Perspective. I can not get perspective.” Today I did.

Our first exam in nursing school; a midterm. Mind you, up to this point we had all strived to get A’s. All A’s. Every exam, every paper, every class. No pressure. There was pressure, but not like the pressure of nursing school. It’s not about memorizing, it’s about learning and concepts. Everything we learn now provides a basis for all the things we learn moving forward.

Since my stroke last year, I’ve struggled with focus and keeping my brain “still”. Instead, thoughts dance and bounce around my head like a flea. There one minute, gone the next. Oh wait- there it is again. Remember- what contact precautions are. Did you answer that last one correctly? It’s a non-stop dance party and I can’t turn the music off. Once I completed the exam, I hit submit and waited for my grade to appear. A “C”. Hmm. First C in years. Not gonna lie- I honestly stopped for a second and then thought, OK I passed but felt a bit deflated.

Living with frequent headaches and chronic pain is also exhausting. Over the past two decades, the pain has been in the background for me. If you’ve ever seen the Handmaids Tale, you’re familiar with the constant flow of static talking on the radios the Eyes carry around. It’s always there and never goes away. That’s chronic pain. Like a constant flow of background static; distracting, annoying, and exhausting. Pain meds are not an option unless you want a sleepy nurse caring for you although I’m sure my exams would be pretty interesting.

Where am I going with all of this? None of it is for pity or a sob story. I’m sharing it because I’m now saying, “I passed! “In a good way. My first nursing school exam and first exam since my brain busted. Today was a test drive and if I were to write about it like Car and Driver, I’d say it performed like a Prius. A bit on the slow side, but got me where I needed to go. I’ll take it. Although I’d love to eventually upgrade to a Tesla.. Too much?

Armed with a list of changes and having regrouped a bit today, I’m ready for whatever comes next. For my midterm, I tried putting some music on in the background and it really helped. This will be a routine from now on. As will trying new ways of adapting. I will say- I’m quite lucky in many respects but having a spouse that constantly supports me is priceless. I don’t write this for brownie points or to be sappy. He’s legit. Being a partner to someone in nursing school is not easy and at times, not enjoyable. The constant stress and unending random study hours have not stopped him from being my biggest cheerleader. He’s made coffee runs for me, cleaned house, makes me laugh. He’s the calm to my crazy. I’ll stop gushing at the risk of making anyone throw up. But I had to put it out there.

Next week is our first pharmacology exam- our midterm. Yeah, I’m scared. There are so many medications to know that it makes my head spin like Beetlejuice. But since my goal is to not kill anyone, it’s sorta necessary to know this stuff. I’m up for the wild ride and all the adventures of learning that come with it.

As Ferris would say, “Life moves fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Be like Ferris.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off' Is All the WFH Style Inspiration You Need Right Now

Reality Bites

I honestly don’t even know how to begin this post. I don’t have anything witty or funny to say or even a meme I could insert here to garner a quick laugh.

The past two weeks have really sucked. No other way to put it. I won’t sugar coat it. The only preface I’ll add is that I know I’m grateful to be alive and to have bucked the odds. I know I will be OK and somehow find my way to a new “normal”, whatever that is.

This month is supposedly a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) Awareness month. It’s a bit of an oxymoron. Anyone who’s suffered a TBI is fully aware of the changes their brain has undergone. I realize this is more about raising awareness for other people but I had to throw it in there.

Every day I’ aware of what my brain can’t do and what it can. What was once there is out in the abyss somewhere. When I reach for something with my left hand, I have to turn it sideways to maneuver my fingers in a way that I can grasp. My fine motor skills are not there-yet.

Yet is the definitive word here. At my OT appointments, I had several assessments done to gauge where I’m at cognitively. On the first couple, it took me nearly twice as long to complete as would a person with an unaffected brain. On another assessment, it took me nearly 35 minutes for basic activities such as naming animals, drawing a clock with a particular time, and consistently subtracting by increments of a certain number starting at 100. When she told me the results (that I had passed but that it took me far longer than normal), I cried. I want my brain back. I want normalcy back, I want school back.

School- that is the crux here. School in the spring is off the table. it’s clear that doing so maybe too much for my healing brain and actually set me back, which is not something I want to happen. Of course, the next question was Nursing School, which I was to begin in September after deferring a year for rehabilitation. I was told that perhaps I should start to “consider what else might bring me as much joy as nursing” in case my brain would not be able to handle the rigors of the program, which is intense. More tears. It was as though someone took the wind out of my sails.

It’s clear now that it is not, for this year. That’s not to say it won’t ever be but what she said next was that we would know more definitively at the two-year mark, what is potentially permanent versus what is not. Healing from a TBI takes time. A lot of time. So much so that they can still find measurable progress over the two-year mark. My math classes are all expiring and some of my other classes will as well. My CNA license will expire too. We moved down here away from family and friends so I could focus on school full time. It’s been my center of drive and focus for nearly three years now, going 100 mph to do my best and perform well. It was a gut punch to the stomach to even consider not entering in September let alone knowing I may never be able to due to ongoing cognitive deficits.

To throw another wrench into the fire, I was just diagnosed with type two diabetes. Apparently having a history of PCOS increased my risk of developing it. I had no idea. This site has good information on the connection. I’ve changed my diet up after discussing this with my doctor to assure a safe and sane approach and am so far losing slowly which is good. I’ve walked nearly two miles in the mornings and thrown in some yoga as I’m able. Post-stroke fatigue is a very real issue and has affected my stamina. I’m hoping over time I’ll be able to increase my activity level, slowly. Diabetes increases my risk for cardiovascular issues/ stroke but fortunately, my numbers are low so controlling it should not be too difficult. I feel OK about this part of things.

Speech therapy will begin in the next few weeks on top of the physical therapy and occupational therapy. It helps with executive function (think multitasking word recall etc). It’s a slow process that ebbs and flows. I will have moments of progress and moments of setbacks but have to be patient as my brain heals and finds it’s way back through the fog.

I am not hopeless, as dim as this post may feel. I’m always full of hope. What I am is heartbroken. Something I worked so hard for and struggled to get into, is (*potentially) off the table, certainly for this year. What I am is lost. I’ll find my way back- this is not a pity party or poor me post. I’ll make that clear now. It’s painful and I’m allowing my brain to process it’s way through all of this to again find my beacon of hope and drive. But part of that processing is also grieving, which is necessary. My head is not quite wrapped around this so it’s like a raw, open wound that is slowly healing as the air hits it. When you are still, the pain is tolerable but if you move and twist, its’ as though salt was rubbed in it. That’s how it feels when I think about it too hard right now. I take as many walks as I can, find humor and appreciation in things I love- every day and those things are, fortunately, abundant.

For now, I’m taking things one day, one appointment, one breath at a time. Somewhere out there is a light at the end of this long, winding tunnel and one way or another I’ll find my way to it.

Sweep the Leg

This little guy is trying to bloom. Soon this tiny bulb will open up and flower. 

This is how I view my brain. Somewhere in my brain lies my ability to recall what I was told just five minutes earlier. Somewhere in there is the ability to guide my eyes to follow what I’m looking out without delay or trying to focus and seeing double. Somewhere in there is my rapid-fire word-finding ability and consistent thought flow. And somewhere in there lies the refinement to be able to sort out sounds that are currently fighting to be heard all at once. 

It’s there and with time, each piece will slowly reveal itself. Man, that is SO cheesy but I have to say it’s pretty dang accurate. On a side note, have I mentioned how much I loathe those hideous inspirational pictures in doctor offices? The ones with parting clouds and Hallmarkesque prose? *Gag*. It’s right up there with the “everything happens for a reason BS. No, it doesn’t. Shit happens and you deal with it. Patients don’t need a sympathy card- they need rock music or Karate Kid in the sweep the leg scene.

Last week I met with my nursing program advisor. She has been a guide for me since the first day I stepped back onto campus nearly three years ago and my go-to when I want someone to tell it to me straight. I wanted to discuss spring term. If I don’t take my next math class they will all expire. So I discussed it at my OT appt. My occupational therapists say it may be too soon but not impossible to begin taking a class again. So here I am registered for spring term. I can’t drive yet and have a lot of work to do between now and then but I am determined to complete it. There is NO way I’m losing three math classes and making it rain with all the money spent on it.

The coming days to prepare me will test me. I’m a type-A personality and patience is not exactly my virtue. It will test my (current) limitations and require the understanding that I’ll need accommodations for class to allow myself more time than usual for exams and a quiet atmosphere to process information. Right now repetitive pen clicking would make me want to pull out Batman smack. Fortunately, I’m a lover, not a hater so that will remain an inside my head dream, er.. thought.

My first full OT appointment was Monday. Things started out well. Stroke has affected my vision so I have eye therapy exercises to do to help me regain my focus and binocular vision. Right now if you were to ask me to follow your finger with my eyes you’d see delayed, somewhat jerky movement. Focusing on objects close to my eyes is really uncomfortable so I need to work on that too. 

Next came multitasking. I was given two assessments to complete and both were timed. The first involved circled numbers randomly scattered on a piece of paper. I was to connect them in numerical order as quickly as I was able. The second involved a similar exercise but three in letters parallel to the numbers. So now my brain had to match up both in numerical and alphabetical order.

I completed both exercises. Upon completion, I looked at her and asked her how I did and what the norm was. On the first exam, she told me the average normal time was about 21 seconds. Anything beyond 60 or 70 was considered an impairment. It took me 1 minute 32 seconds. And although the second assessment outcome was slightly better, I am mediately teared up because I realized just how injured my brain was. And how much work I have to do to get it back to “normal“. It was like a swift punch to the gut. I wanted to throw up and run out, not because I failed but because I was scared shitless.

Physical therapy has been going great and I’m making a lot of progress. But since the previous occupational therapist left there had been a gap in continuing OT until now because of the shortage of providers in this area and how long it takes to get an appointment. So the reality of the cognitive piece of this was a tough pill to swallow. This is not a pity party or a woe is me post. It’s reality. I just want to be transparent. I try to remain positive and always focus on small accomplishments. That’s what keeps me moving forward. I’m in full-on Cobra Kai mode.

That day I allowed myself to feel the grief of the situation. That’s something that the doctors just don’t talk about enough. They address the physical and cognitive issues but they don’t go over the grief piece of it. The loss of the feeling of normalcy or your life that once was I wanted to be pissed off and angry that the stroke has taken that (albeit temporarily) away from me. It’s sucks. No other way to put it. 

Registering for a class got me motivated. I love school and would be a forever student if it wasn’t so expensive. I enjoy learning. I think that’s one of the things about nursing that excites me the most. You’re always learning. So that’s what I’m remaining focused on. 

I will have physical therapy once a week, occupational therapy twice a week, and speech therapy one to two times a week. Speech therapy will address my higher cognitive functions which is crucial. They are working to get me from point A (where I am now) to point B (nursing school in the fall). I may check to see if REI will sponsor a tent for me to camp out at the doctor’s office, but I digress. I walk nearly every day and am trying to incorporate other things such as yoga, into my routine. 

It’s a one day at a time effort and each is different. I’m determined to get to point B damn it, even when I struggle and deal with migraines 2-3 times a week. Even when assessments take me longer I want to throw a hissy fit. And even when I can’t recall words as fast as I’d like and I curse under my breath and look at Pat to help spark my brain back to an idle. I’ll drop a few f-bombs when balance and left-sided coordination are challenging and I veer to the left when I’m only supposed to LOOK left but walk straight.  Tell me I can’t do it and I’ll show you otherwise. 

Quick- someone cue up Eye of the Tiger. I’m at the base of the stairs and am on my way up. 

A Change is Gonna Come

I had no idea how I’d feel or react. It was 4:47 as I exited my patient’s room, walked over to a computer at the end of the hall and pulled my phone out. The nursing program email notifications would be sent at 5:00. When I unlocked my phone I saw 120 text messages waiting for me. They read, “OMG I got in!” and “I got in!!!” and “We did it!”. The emails were sent early. I nervously opened my Gmail app and saw it sitting there like a glaring at me in the face. It took me a minute to work up the nerve to open it. When I did, I read the words “Congratulations…” I nearly passed out. It was as if I’d been holding my breath for the past two years. I was accepted into the program for this coming fall. A wave of panic, joy, and fear washed over me as I realized that all the hard work, the stress, and exhaustion had brought my dream to fruition.

The icing on the cake was that my study group- every one of them, were all accepted too. We worked HARD, passing up social invitations, nice weather, and all else to focus on our studies and put the program first. Sometimes it sucked. BIG TIME. Sometimes we wanted to scream. There were tears, moments of utter frustration and prompting us to question whether or not we could actually do this.

My friend made an excellent point as we waited for the news- this path had made us doubt ourselves even though we did everything “right”. We put in the time and dedication, got the grades, etc. Yet we continued to wonder if it really was enough or if we were cut out for this. Every one of us was accepted. That answer is yes. We need to continuously remind ourselves that in the face of fear, being nervous or even scared shitless as some of us- we earned our place and need to believe in our abilities and ourselves on the same level that we believe in one another.

We celebrated last night. My friend and I kept repeating overzealously- “We got in!” as we clinked our glasses together. There may have been shots involved. I’ll leave it at that. We had a moment through all of this to let loose and celebrate what has been a somewhat hellish path to get this far and make it in. In the fall, the real work begins and we know that what we’ve experienced so far doesn’t come close to what is in store for us but we also know that we are ready and for now will relish in the moment to recharge, celebrate, and get ready for whatever is thrown as us next. Bring it!

Counting Sheep

I’ve never been THAT person. The one that thinks about sleep all the time, the one that sleeps in late and lets the day slip away. In fact, I’m the one that wakes up before the alarm goes off. The one that ended up wide awake at sleepovers as a kid, waiting patiently as my friends slept in. You know who you are!

Today, all I can think about is my head hitting the pillow. The other night I told my husband I needed to head to bed as I nodded off on the couch at 7:30. This term has tested my brain power, my patients, and intake capacity. That sounds fancy. Anyway…

Orientation has been good. There are obviously some people that are better at this sort of things than others. It’s an inevitable piece of the onboarding process. When someone enters the room with a lot of (sincere) energy and it’s apparent they love what they do, it makes for a whole different experience.

Last night after it wrapped up for the day, we headed to grab some dinner, review our lab and then headed to campus at 7:30. We were able to make up our lab set up so we didn’t lose any points. Every point counts- even if it’s just 10. By the time I stopped by my friends house so she could airdrop the recorded lecture to me, then headed home, it was almost 10:00. I crashed. Head hit the pillow and I was out cold until I woke up this morning.

Sleep is one of those things I never obsessed over or gave a second thought to. I’ve been tired, don’t get me wrong. School is a full time job. Add anything else to it and you start to chip away at the shell of rest and clarity that envelope your brain. Once it’s fractured in enough places, you start to feel it. That’s where I’m at. That’s a small taste of how nursing school will feel, except on steroids. You find a way to push through, rest where you’re able, and manage time like a hawk. Other wise it gets away from you. Quickly. I bought a planner and calendar at Chet Target so I could visually see my day at a quick glance. I have stuff on my phone too- one can not be too planned when it comes to balancing all of these moving pieces; homework, studying, exercise, and now work.

Time to head out for my last day of orientation. This weekend I bought an InstantPot. Finally pulled the trigger and man am I glad I did. Made meals for the week in all of about 3 hours including prep, cooking, and packing it up. Worth every dime. tonight I’ll come home, reheat dinner, listen to the lecture I missed, and write out my flashcards. That’s what you do, you segment your day, and make a game plan. It’s fluid, of course. Life happens. But switch gears and keep going.

This weekend it will feel great to recharge my already depleted batteries and feel ready for the week. But first, sleep.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1….

This was our second Christmas living in a new city and it did not disappoint. Organized chaos aside, we’ve enjoyed time with family, I’ve seen a couple friends, and most importantly, have enjoyed some downtime away from the computer. No studying, no homework or books. Just cooking, baking, visiting and getting outside a bit. Oh, and Netflix binging. It’s been delightful and is also why I’ve slowed down on here these past few weeks. During the school term, I’m planted in front of my laptop or iPad, hovering over books and writing endless notes and flashcards. It’s important to walk away from it to recharge and refocus.

Tonight, we will ring in a new year and I’m excited about it. I don’t do resolutions. Don’t believe in them. Never have. Most get broken or forgotten. For me, it’ doesn’t take a new year to set a goal. I actually have many goals approaching; fundraising for a medical mission trip to Guatemala, finding out whether I’m accepted into the nursing program (eek!), and in just a few short weeks I’ll begin a new career as a CNA in a well-established hospital. Not too shabby.

Consistently setting short-term and long-term goals supersede the new year madness that ensues at the stroke of midnight. Cue the weight loss commercials and gym advertisements that charge you fees knowing most will drop off within a month or so.  Fad diets, unregulated supplements, home gyms, and life insurance policies get more air time than a Superbowl commercial. No thank you. Give me a good hike or something outdoorsy as soon as the weather allows. I’ve set ongoing goals to move out of my comfort zone (hence the medical mission trip), reign in my test anxiety and overthinking (always a work in progress) and we have our sights set on living in Seattle at some point (long term goal here) after I have experience under my belt. More hikes this next year than last? You bet! Nothing involves the ticking clock of the new year or stress inducing time constraints.

Live in the moment. Enjoy life as it happens. Be present. Bend to what you need and flex as life is thrown at you. Forgive yourself if you fail. Celebrate the small victories. This isn’t a pep talk or meant to be a motivational speech. Save that annoying fluff for the self-help books. My point is that these things don’t cost $19.95 or involve an annoying, clown-faced (overly made up), spokesperson. It involves following your gut and finding what makes you happy and maintaining forward momentum.

I wish you all a happy new year and am grateful for those of you who have followed me these past 9 months. It’s been a cathartic and fun outlet for me.

Cheers to 2019 and new adventures!