Tag Archives: dying

Doulala

I wish I could take credit for that word, but my witty husband gets the credit.

So you may have noticed it looks a little different here. I mentioned that my nursing career had ended abruptly in my last two posts. I’m now transitioning to becoming an End of Life (EOL) Doula through a program I started last night. I want to take the time here to explain what that means and how my first class went.

At the top of the page, there is a link labeled Doula. If you click on that, it will take you to the International End of Life Doula Association (INELDA) website. INELDA is the training program I’m attending twice a week on Wednesday afternoons and Saturday mornings. So what is an EOL Doula? I will be working with clients in hospice to help guide them and their family, friends, and caregivers through the process before and during the death vigil and aiding in processing their grief. There are three phases, Summing up & Planning, Conducting Vigil, and Early Grief & Reprocessing.

So what does this look like? When I first meet the client, we will discuss their primary concerns, such as the time they have left, fears about leaving loved ones behind, and what they’ve accomplished in their lives. This first phase addresses emotions and provides support through projects that honor the patient’s legacy. There is a term called deep active listening. Beyond being fully present mentally and physically, it’s holding space, and your entire body solely focuses on the person in front of you. It can take 15-20 minutes to prepare for this—deep active listening is a practice utilized with each client encounter.

In the second phase, I will help them plan their vigil as they go through the active process of dying. How does the client envision that to look or sound? Will there be music or silence? Who will be present, and where do they want to be? Will this be a celebration of life or a peaceful, quiet time? Do they want to be indoors or outdoors? Once the dying process begins, it will be my place to ensure their wishes are honored. I may explain the signs of impending death and the physical process the body endures. Sometimes guided imagery, touch, or music are used t help guide this process. My previous nursing experience will undoubtedly be helpful.

In the final phase, when the client dies, I will help carry out any rituals, traditions, etc., per the client’s wishes. Assisting the family, caregiver, and loved ones- whoever was directly involved, process their grief is also a piece of the final phase of my involvement.

Doulas do not instruct, direct, suggest, or tell. Doulas are guides through this whole process. I chose the name of my business to Beeloved as a combination of beloved and be loved. The sprout signifies new life and the dirt from which we all sprouted. Bees help new life by pollination. I didn’t want anything that resembled a sympathy card. Welcoming and warmth are what I want people to feel when they visit this site.

I’ll write about my first class in a different post. As always, I’ll remain as transparent as possible. Death is a strange word in our culture. It’s quiet and whispered, not talked about openly. I want to change the narrative by talking about it as I learn more about it.

Death and Birth

My grandfather recently passed away. He was 97 so lived a full life. He was completely lucid and sharp as a tack up until the last couple of weeks of his life. It got me thinking about death. My family talks about death quite a bit. My dad has heart failure and has passed the age where a transplant would be a viable option. My husband and I were with his mother in her final hours as she succumbed to cancer, diagnosed only six months earlier. Today I spoke with a woman that runs the Noone Dies Alone program at PeaceHealth. It’s a wonderful program where volunteers sign up to be called to be present as a person dies, should they have no family or friends to be with them.

Death is not something that’s talked about as openly as birth. With birth we are surrounded by family, often have multiple people in the room as a new life emerges into this world. Phone calls and videos are quickly distributed. With death, it’s much more…”quiet”. In other cultures, it’s celebrated, people openly mourne, there are traditions and customs around it. For some reason, to a certain extent, it feels as though the topic almost taboo in the United States. We use words such as “passed on”. We whisper about it,

While physically it’s a fascinating process to see how the body begins to slow and prepare to end, holistically the needs of the dying vary greatly. Some wish to have silence, some desire song or prayer. Some go quietly while others call out for those they lost many years prior. It should be just as important, a momentous event in our lives as it is with birth. I do acknowledge the pain and emotion that accompany loss that brings about the hesitance to talk openly about it. Everyone handles loss differently. There are situations where perhaps that life should not or can’t be celebrated. Outside of those scenarios, we should share the stories that brought us joy. People (unless they wish to be) should not have to be alone as they leave this world. Their wishes should be known and talked about before they reach this point. It’s been an active topic for our family and while I realize this may not be the norm, we shouldn’t shy away from it.