Bam! That’s the sound of my nursing schoolbook that arrived in the mail yesterday hitting the table. It’s one of many but weighs as much as the Hermiston watermelon sitting on the counter. In 41 days, 11 hours, and 46 minutes, I’ll log into Zoom and attend my first nursing school lecture. I’ve waited for this moment for the past three years. My stroke derailed my plans of starting last fall but I’ve fought tooth and nail (what does that even mean?) to get back to some sense of whatever normalcy is. My ongoing health issues have been a constant dark force trying to pull me underwater. Each time I manage to surface. This past year kicked my ass and nearly pulled me under to where I could not see the surface. It’s taken every ounce of everything I have to swim up.

Yesterday at my PT session, my awesome therapist had me treat him like a patient and walk him across the room with a fake IV pole, take vitals, grab things off the supply shelf, and follow multiple instructions. It felt like I was working back at the hospital again. I’ve never been more excited (or nervous) to take vitals. Nervous because my eyes and hearing have changed. It was correct but there was a brief moment I thought, what if? What if I’m wrong? What if I can’t hear it? Worse yet- what if I walk him into a wall? My brain for some reason still “pulls” to the left when I look left. I joked that I need an alignment. For the record, for anyone who’s wondering- I do not pull to the left when I drive, thank you very much. It’s only when I’m walking. I hear you laughing!  

The walk went fine as did the vitals. Why was I surprised? Our Associate Dean of Health Programs talked about Imposter Syndrome. The feeling that somehow, even though we’ve earned our place in the program, our brain instills doubt and convinces us that we don’t belong here. Everyone else is so smart and so capable. It’s real. We all related. Even with our overachieving study groups, higher than required GPA’s, it’s obvious we all cased the group of us, sizing one another up to see who we’d be among for the next five quarters. It’s intimidating. She was quick to remind us we’re no longer each other’s competition. We’re in this fight together and will need one another to come of this in one piece.

Tomorrow morning I have foot surgery. A nasty, relentless case of plantar fasciitis has not responded to any conservative treatments so a release is my last resort. They will do a plantar fascia release and gastrocnemius release I have a great surgeon and am most excited about being active again. Running has been off my plate for some time now and for good reason. But walking, hiking, biking are all activities I’ve missed greatly. It’s not running- nothing is. But I’ll take it. Hiking especially. Last year we did our first hike on January 1. I have a goal to resume that this coming year. Skipping up Mt. Pisgah like Phoebe Buffay sounds fun but maybe I’m being a bit overzealous.

Scrubs are purchased, immunizations, background checks, and drug tests all completed. Thinking about a virtual garage sale to raise money for books and supplies. Not even joking. Nursing school is really expensive but in the end, so worth it. I can not wait to dive in and get started. It’s scary. The program is rigorous and demanding as hell. It will test every ounce of will and ability to NOT overthink things (chronic over-thinker here). Lectures will be online and the school is still figuring out the skills lab piece of things. Ambiguity abounds. But that’s medicine. Dealing with the unknown and being able to ebb and flow with change.

I’ll try and get some good pictures from my surgery. Yes, pictures. I love medicine and studying the human body. I find wounds (gross or not) fascinating and like to watch the process of healing. I’ve had some strange looks from doctors for asking for that but the surgeons love it and always oblige. Why not? I told our niece to ask for pics of her appendix when she had to have emergency surgery. She was shocked at just how small it was. She too loves science and is fearless when it comes to seeing things like that. I’m excited for all the discovery she will experience in the coming years.

My goal is to keep up with the blog as much as I’m capable of through the program. With that said, my hubby and school are my priority. Period. There may be lulls between posts but hang in there with me and I’ll give as honest as a description of what it’s like as I can. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Some of my humor may turn a little dark – I get loopy when I’m tired or sleep-deprived. Forewarning. But humor is a good thing. It’s a necessary thing, for me anyway.

See you on the flip side! xoxo