Nobody tells you about the meltdowns and how quickly your brain gets overwhelmed after you have a stroke. They schedule appointments to strengthen your weak side, they address the headaches and work to rehabilitate the part of your brain that struggles to tell you how to look one direction and still walk a straight line. Therapists present activities to help me learn to balance and stand on one foot and to close my eyes and not fall over. They throw a ball for me to catch while having me work multiplications tables to retrain my brain to multitask. I walk across different surface levels and use a raised, very long narrow cushioned mat to relearn to balance.
What doctors miss is telling you it’s not unusual to get overwhelmed with small changes in schedule or that even managing a schedule can feel daunting. They don’t talk about how making decisions on the fly or even having to reschedule one appointment of many, can feel like someone just pulled the tablecloth off after you spent hours setting it.
The mental struggle of it all should really be just as much of a focus as the physical rehabilitation. Loud noise, multiple conversations, and too much happening at once feel like a battle zone in my brain. I can’t tune out background noise or separate out multiple stimuli. For the first time in years, I didn’t bake for Thanksgiving. While trivial to some, those that know me to understand what a big deal that was. Dealing with chronic pain on top of this isn’t helping. That’s for another post.
I’ve made significant progress over the past few months and keep my sights on that. I no longer require a cane or walker (yay!). No more dizziness. I can handle a couple of tasks at once which is significant given that at my first appointment three months ago, I nearly cried when I struggled to attempt to match shapes and colors. This is big. What I want back is my mental strength and resilience. The ability to organize everything in my head. To not space out and forget my address or phone number or even a simple Starbucks order. I’d give anything to be able to drive but until I can learn to stay within lines that are off-limits (and rightfully so). Right now it feels as though tasks are playing cards and they are all scattered on the floor in all directions and I can’t use my hands to pick them up; a complete and utter mess.
It’s only been four months and I’ve been told this all takes time so it’s really a test of patience for this type-A personality. My occupational therapist left the clinic so that leaves me looking for another and starting over. I’ll keep at it until a sense of normalcy returns no matter what it takes. My brain is my full-time job.
It’s a lot of little things that present themselves as Mt. Everest to my brain. Generally speaking, I’m a cup half-full gal. Staying focused on the good is what drives me, but I’d be going against my policy of transparency here if I left this stuff out. It’s important. The only reason I know this stuff is all normal is because of those I’ve connected to personally and on social media that have gone through this, have been open about it. I’m so thankful.
You know what else I’m thankful for? My husband who always manages to anticipate my needs and makes me laugh.
I can’t wait to host Christmas for our family- something that brings me great joy.
My friends are amazing and some of my greatest treasures. I’m keeping my eye on starting back to school in the fall for nursing but also maintaining a realistic understanding that my brain will heal in its own time. I must take things day by day and maintain focus, which means taking the good with the bad, and that’s OK.
This past week I worked on a photo project. It involved grouping pictures into shapes and subjects, fitting it into frames, figuring out the spacing for hanging them etc. It was a fun task that actually felt like progress. What normally would have been done in an afternoon or so, took me a week and I’m OK with that. My brain is relearning and didn’t fail me. It’s the really little things that matter most.
