There’s an intense moment in Grey’s Anatomy (shocking, I know…) when Derek Shepherd says, “Perspective. I can not get perspective.” Today I did.

Our first exam in nursing school; a midterm. Mind you, up to this point we had all strived to get A’s. All A’s. Every exam, every paper, every class. No pressure. There was pressure, but not like the pressure of nursing school. It’s not about memorizing, it’s about learning and concepts. Everything we learn now provides a basis for all the things we learn moving forward.

Since my stroke last year, I’ve struggled with focus and keeping my brain “still”. Instead, thoughts dance and bounce around my head like a flea. There one minute, gone the next. Oh wait- there it is again. Remember- what contact precautions are. Did you answer that last one correctly? It’s a non-stop dance party and I can’t turn the music off. Once I completed the exam, I hit submit and waited for my grade to appear. A “C”. Hmm. First C in years. Not gonna lie- I honestly stopped for a second and then thought, OK I passed but felt a bit deflated.

Living with frequent headaches and chronic pain is also exhausting. Over the past two decades, the pain has been in the background for me. If you’ve ever seen the Handmaids Tale, you’re familiar with the constant flow of static talking on the radios the Eyes carry around. It’s always there and never goes away. That’s chronic pain. Like a constant flow of background static; distracting, annoying, and exhausting. Pain meds are not an option unless you want a sleepy nurse caring for you although I’m sure my exams would be pretty interesting.

Where am I going with all of this? None of it is for pity or a sob story. I’m sharing it because I’m now saying, “I passed! “In a good way. My first nursing school exam and first exam since my brain busted. Today was a test drive and if I were to write about it like Car and Driver, I’d say it performed like a Prius. A bit on the slow side, but got me where I needed to go. I’ll take it. Although I’d love to eventually upgrade to a Tesla.. Too much?

Armed with a list of changes and having regrouped a bit today, I’m ready for whatever comes next. For my midterm, I tried putting some music on in the background and it really helped. This will be a routine from now on. As will trying new ways of adapting. I will say- I’m quite lucky in many respects but having a spouse that constantly supports me is priceless. I don’t write this for brownie points or to be sappy. He’s legit. Being a partner to someone in nursing school is not easy and at times, not enjoyable. The constant stress and unending random study hours have not stopped him from being my biggest cheerleader. He’s made coffee runs for me, cleaned house, makes me laugh. He’s the calm to my crazy. I’ll stop gushing at the risk of making anyone throw up. But I had to put it out there.

Next week is our first pharmacology exam- our midterm. Yeah, I’m scared. There are so many medications to know that it makes my head spin like Beetlejuice. But since my goal is to not kill anyone, it’s sorta necessary to know this stuff. I’m up for the wild ride and all the adventures of learning that come with it.

As Ferris would say, “Life moves fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Be like Ferris.