Have you thought about your mortality? How your death may play out if you had choices about where, when, and how you would die? Let’s face it; it’s a topic most people would much rather avoid. We don’t make coffee dates or plan happy hour around discussions of deathbeds and rituals. Should we?

I’ve seen family and friends caught off guard around the death of a loved one. There were no plans and no discussions around what that person may have wanted. These difficult decisions, financial planning, and logistics were all left on the shoulders of the survivors.

A death doula can help with planning, and we discussed this in our second class on Saturday. I was on time for that one, by the way. We talked about planning and how important it is to ask open-ended questions and be completely present and silent to take in the patient’s desires, fears, and concerns. We also discussed self-care and its importance for our physical and mental well-being. Finally, we had to write out what we do for self-care now and what we plan to add or change once we are working. I had a lot of respect for this conversation because this type of work requires so much mental acuity and physical presence. Hours can be long and emotional. Self-care is critical.

We also talked about the early signs of dying and what to expect. For example, dying patients often stop eating, and this can be disturbing for the family. The body knows how to die. It knows how to shut down organs slowly and in what order. If you feed a body whose stomach is no longer moving food along, it will cause discomfort for the patient. This information is not just for our knowledge but, more importantly, so we can educate the caregiver, family, and friends- whoever is present during the vigil (active dying process).

Our homework for Wednesday is to plan our death vigil. I’m not going to lie; this is weird and brings up a whole plethora of emotions. Our family has had a lot of discussions around death due to terminal illness and other unexpected health events that have come up. Sometimes we use dark humor when things are serious. “Lightly used casket, pet, and smoke-free environment.” Everyone deals with death differently, and that’s the beauty of this.

I recently read about being buried in a shroud and covered with flowers before being placed directly into the earth. No casket. Another place will compost your body. There is water cremation (much more environmentally friendly). You can be cremated and made into a record. You can donate your body to science. There are many options, but the options people think about the least are how they want their dying process to look, feel, and sound. They aren’t easy conversations, but they are necessary. I told my hubby if he cremated me, I’d come back and haunt him, but that’s another story.